I was told repeatedly to enjoy the early years with my kids because once they get older life will get tougher.
There are daily tastes of these harsh realities with our 12-year-old Beckett, who seems to be craving independence in all things but especially with his school work. However, the fact is he requires constant monitoring. It drives him crazy that “we care about every single thing he does,” but that’s who we are. I venture to assume most parents – at least the kind I would want to associate with – are like us in that way.
When I realized he forgot to turn in an assignment, I spent the better part of the afternoon figuring out how to talk to him about it. When asked, he made it sound like he turned it in on the due date. When pressed, it was discovered he had not completed the project on the due date, a Friday, had planned to finish it over the weekend and then forgot about it altogether.
How hard to come down on kids when they screw up is always a moving target. It truly needs to be a case-by-case basis. In this situation, both Pam and I were seeing red because he seems to find time in his busy schedule to talk with his friends each night, to play video games and skateboard around the neighborhood. In this case, though, it seems like he forgot about a big project, and he will pay the price for sure with his final grade when the late penalty is applied. He needs to refocus on what’s important, which does not involve Snapchat. He doesn’t seem to agree about his priorities, however.
I needed a therapeutic approach when I sat down to write this column this week. Being distressed over the whole tough, yet complicated, approach we needed to take with our kid as well as reflecting on a conversation with a friend about her teenager’s perception she and her husband care too much about him, I decided to look back at some simpler times. Here are some excerpts from columns from years past.
•July 1, 2009: On most mornings, Beckett, like any other kid, expects breakfast soon after he wakes up. He plays on his own for a bit, but it’s likely he will let you know he’s hungry soon after. Although he may be only 13 months old, he’s aware of his morning routine and knows when it’s time to eat. He may not wear a watch or be able to read a clock, but he most certainly has a concept of time.
Although eating always excites him, I think the highlight of his morning time is when he walks freely around the house. This is when the volume of noise in the house reaches its apex. He gets so excited to be loose and allowed to cruise. His favorite place continues to be the kitchen. More than likely it’s because of all the drawers that he likes to try and open, all to no avail as the place is kid-proofed now to the point there are places I cannot even get into.
When he’s not trying to pry open cabinet doors and kissing his reflection in the dishwasher in the kitchen, he is running into furniture in the living room with reckless abandon and then looking up at me with a smile, waiting for me to seemingly approve in one way or another. Of course, I do just that.
•Feb. 2, 2010: There’s nothing like being smacked in the face by your son. This is not one of those cherished parenthood memories. I find it to be one of the more frustrating chapters in this adventure. It’s no coincidence it started when Carson was born and is surely a result of jealously and frustration. It often arises when he’s tired as well.
Nonetheless, while I understand this, it’s difficult to accept at times. The other night was one such example. Beckett’s patience was wearing thin, while I was trimming his toenails in his room after his bath. It eventually got the best of him as he yanked his foot out from my hand and kicked me directly in the rib cage. When I let him know that was unacceptable, he slapped me, again with a strong right-left combination (he always leads with his right). Besides the behavioral issue, the most immediate concern is he’s getting big enough now that it actually hurts when he hits or kicks. It goes without saying being put in pain by your 30-pound toddler is neither enjoyable nor tolerable.
If there is any silver lining in this rebellion phase, it’s that he spreads it around evenly. He’s certainly an equal-opportunity hitter, as my wife and I both are targets, resulting in him becoming one with the time-out rug of late.
As I proceeded to tell Pam the story, I asked, “What if he’s just mean?” She laughed and assured me he’s not, telling me plenty of other stories of parents she knew who went through this adjustment. “It’s just a phase,” she said.
•March 9, 2011: Watching Beckett with our youngest son, Carson, 15 months old, is always entertaining. The behavior can range from sweet and pleasant to angry and rough from Beckett. One day recently, I caught him pulling with force on Carson’s fingers. He saw my face and immediately started softly petting Carson on the head, gave him a kiss on the cheek and said, “see Carson I’m gentle, I love you.” It’s worth noting a couple minutes later he was back yanking on his fingers.
