The Adventures Of Fatherhood – April 10, 2020

Huge kudos to my wife Pam today, as she has adjusted to her role homeschooling our boys with grace.

Though she is her own harshest critic, I think she’s doing an amazing job juggling both kids. She’s hard on herself because she never wants to underachieve. Whether it’s a yard job, cleaning, doing her job, working out or now teaching our kids, she gives it her all. She only knows how to do things one way – the right way. Therefore, she has put a lot of pressure on herself. I hate to see her stressed. I remind her everyone is trying to weather this impossible situation.

Though work demands are real currently, I try to help her as much as possible by handling the morning duties and hoping to get lunch and “recess” taken care of on my lunch break.

I would be lying if I said it was not tense in the house some days when I come home for lunch. It’s understandable because it’s hard. In addition to everything else she does in normal life, assuming the role of teacher to a middle school child with a difficult curriculum who can be challenging as well as being all things to our special needs fourth grader is a ridiculous burden, Of course, these are absurd times. Many households are in a constant state of struggle these days.

Therefore, if you are like Pam stressing over doing your best for your kids while juggling life’s many other responsibilities, I salute you. Laughter is the best medicine I think so here’s some funny jokes I have come across in recent weeks on homeschooling.

•Day 1 homeschooling: Lesson plans ready for each child, breakfast made on time, coffee on tap just in case. Day 4 homeschooling: No one knows what day is, everyone is eating what looks like plain bread with jelly smeared on it, and your coffee keeps getting cold. The lesson plan is in the trash, and the three-year-old might be too.

•Watching every professional sport in America get cancelled, public schools get shut down for weeks and people stockpile TP as if the rapture happened – but you still can’t convince your mom to cancel school.

•If you see my kids locked outside today, mind your business. We are having a fire drill.

•If my calculations are correct, in precisely 3-4 hours we’ll be finished homeschooling for the day.

•So, homeschooling going well. Two students suspended for fighting, one student in detention for talking back and one teacher fired for drinking tequila on the job.

•If you see me talking to myself this week, mind your business. I’m having a parent-teacher conference.

•We’re having our own “Spirit Week” at home since there’s no school for the kids.
Today, we’re kicking it off with “Meltdown Monday

•Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccuming.

•The first hour of homeschooling started out strong, with some great reading comprehension exercises, and concluded with an epic tantrum over the fact that she can’t watch Frozen 3 because it does not exist.

•There’s a reason I don’t do homeschooling. I can’t focus on a single thing at a time. I’ve also gone looking for snacks like 10 times in the last hour.

•Been homeschooling a 6-year old and 8-year old for one hour and 11 minutes. Teachers deserve to make a billion dollars a year. Or a week.

• If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”

•I told the kids we were starting homeschool at 9 a.m. and they all are hiding from me in their rooms with the doors locked so is this winning? It feels like winning.

•Twenty-five years from now kids everywhere will be like “I remember the spring of 2020, that’s when I learned how much liquor it takes to be a parent.”

•8-year-old: “Mum, what did Anglo-Saxon children eat for breakfast?” 5-year-old: “Mum, how big is a cocoon for a butterfly? Do we have cocoons? Do you get cocoons in space? How far away is space?” 2-year-old (hiding under table): “I done a poo.

•Day two of quarantined homeschool and I am already wondering when Teacher Appreciation Day is.

•Well, I know one piece of medical advice I won’t be following in these times, and it is the American Academy of Pediatrics’ guidelines on screen time.

•Guys, screen time was out of control yesterday. Today we’re cutting WAY back. 10 hours max.

•Me: It will probably be strange and boring to be out of school for a while and not see your friends, but we will try to make this fun for you. Kid, 6: Are you kiddig me, Mommy? We get to hang out with you and daddy. This is going to be fun!

I’m not crying, you’re crying.

About The Author: Steven Green

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The writer has been with The Dispatch in various capacities since 1995, including serving as editor and publisher since 2004. His previous titles were managing editor, staff writer, sports editor, sales account manager and copy editor. Growing up in Salisbury before moving to Berlin, Green graduated from Worcester Preparatory School in 1993 and graduated from Loyola University Baltimore in 1997 with degrees in Communications (journalism concentration) and Political Science.