The Adventures Of Fatherhood – October 18, 2019

Some things are easier and other things not so much.

My sons, now 11 and 9 years old, respectively, are as different as they come in all facets. Their personalities, likes and dislikes and approaches to life are the mirror opposite of each other. It’s an interesting dynamic to observe as we navigate this parenting journey.

Though their differences often leave us scratching our heads in disbelief, one commonality with our kids is they are each becoming complicated beings as they get older. Thinking back on their lives, I can’t imagine ever feeling that way years ago because at the time each stage seems challenging enough.

This parenting adventure has many twists and turns. In the early days, there’s the physical grind of 2 a.m. feedings, inopportune diaper changes, getting them dressed and undressed multiple times a day, finding out why this or that makes them cry hysterically, baths (no two of which are ever the same), carrying them in car seats everywhere and doing whatever it takes to prevent them from hurting themselves. It’s exhausting to care for them as infants and toddlers, while also trying to lead a healthy, productive life for yourself.

In stark contrast to those physically draining periods is the current phase of mental warfare. Each kid averages about two meltdowns a week.  Maybe I should refer to these periods of insanity as random breakdowns and losses of reality. No matter what they are termed, these random bouts of oddness are certainly complicated.

These fleeting moments of agitations were previously over a straw being broken on a juice box, rain abbreviating a playground session, the sun getting in the eyes on a road trip, one kid’s bath being perceived as longer than the other and a pillow being too hard or too soft. Most of the time back then it was obvious what was bothering them. If we couldn’t figure it out, a quick process of elimination could stave off the tears. They were simple human beings.

There are less tears now and communication is not always so clear. To be certain, things are a little more convoluted on many fronts. One morning this week, Beckett had a full-on breakdown over wearing a tie to school. It’s a part of his school’s winter uniform. As I was showing him how to tie it and undo it, I could see he was getting worked up over something. I pushed through and asked him to try to untie it for physical education class. The result was a small, hard knot because he wasn’t listening and paying attention as I showed him. He freaked out eventually and got emotional right before school. He said at the time he didn’t like being touched and hated change.

While I understand the change part, the being touched was just him being frustrated and in stark contrast to a few minutes earlier when he was begging me to tackle him with both arms. He’s definitely a tactile person. He was just having a rough morning and didn’t want to deal with the reality of not being able to wear a polo shirt any longer.

Later in the night, he apologized and then outlined some underlying things that had been bothering him. When I asked why he was keeping all this inside, he mentioned something about never knowing how his parents would handle certain things. He didn’t want to get in trouble for his feelings. We then had a nice talk about how he owns his feelings and nobody can try and change that. The discussion seemed to resonate with him, but it later struck me how much things have changed for him as a middle schooler.

Though different, Carson has also evolved into a complex and unpredictable type. While his special needs present unique challenges, his complications align with Beckett’s as his moods have become a bit shifty. Differentiating between Autism and the typical ups and downs of growing up is impossible with Carson. It will drive a sane person to the brink of psychosis.

One day he’s easy going and has Pam and I thinking he’s really not that different from “typical” kids his age. Then he will do something random, like throwing a Tervis tumbler out a moving car window or tossing pencils at his teacher, and we’re back to not being able to trust him in the least bit.

Like his older brother, Carson clams up when under fire from his parents. Rather than saying, “I don’t know” like Beckett, he will try and distract and redirect. Contrary to his brother, who is in touch with his emotions and can articulate himself well when he wants to, Carson’s poor judgment or misbehavior is a quick stop in time. Though disturbing, he can do the worst thing imaginable at the time followed by kind, considerate gestures 10 minutes later.

Indeed, life with younger kids is more physically demanding than now. It was also much simpler. These one-time simpletons are now complicated individuals with feelings and emotions that often have nothing to do with their parents. The same love is there, but the reasons sleep is difficult some nights are quite varied.

About The Author: Steven Green

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The writer has been with The Dispatch in various capacities since 1995, including serving as editor and publisher since 2004. His previous titles were managing editor, staff writer, sports editor, sales account manager and copy editor. Growing up in Salisbury before moving to Berlin, Green graduated from Worcester Preparatory School in 1993 and graduated from Loyola University Baltimore in 1997 with degrees in Communications (journalism concentration) and Political Science.