Parenting sure takes a mental toll.
With infants, there’s a physical grind, as new parents live in a haze longing for sleep. Later, toddlers are into everything, resulting in a lot of defense with stalking required to keep him or her safe. As the kids get older, it turns mental and oftentimes it’s psychological warfare.
Beckett, 8, keeps Pam and I on our toes. He’s wise, aware and insightful beyond his years in some aspects of life and immature and deficient in others. He’s an open book and easy to read. The thing about Beckett is even if that weren’t the case he’s quick to let you know what he’s thinking because he’s the most talkative person I’ve ever known.
This chattiness, of course, gets him in trouble on a daily basis. He has not learned the “less is more” or the “if you don’t have anything nice to say, say nothing at all” concepts.
A prime example would be at soccer practice this week. His coaches have been playing him at defense over the last month. He doesn’t like it. His body language shows that, but I was under the impression until recently he was not complaining to his coaches.
I observed an exchange at practice this week with one of the assistants that confirmed he’s also articulating his objections. Later, breaking the rules parents are supposed to adhere to about not talking sports directly after games and practices, I gave him a piece of my mind.
His response left me stunned for two reasons — his phrasing and his selfishness. He said, “I’m just going to keep underachieving on defense so they put me back on offense where I belong.” I then gave him 24 hours to think long and hard about that. Fortunately, he realized not giving his all is not the best way to deal with his disappointment. From what I can see, he is playing as hard as he can even if his heart is a little hurt over the change. I chalk that up as a mental win, but I realize anything can change at any minute.
With Carson, 7, everything is different. Generally speaking, he has special needs, but that’s being over simplistic. Specifically, he has a rare genetic condition that oftentimes leaves us bewildered by his actions because there is limited precedent research available for us to learn from and provide direction. We know that he is among a small group of people in the world that has been diagnosed with “7q11.23 Duplication Syndrome,” which can only be revealed through genetic microarray testing.
What we do know is this impacts all aspects of his life, including being non-verbal, which is oftentimes the simplest of his disabilities to get around. What continues to be the biggest struggle is determining the right course to take with his education. It’s a constant source of stress for all involved because we have negative, unpredictable behavior disrupting everything.
While Beckett, like most so-called “normal” kids, is fairly predictable and consequences curb bad decisions or thoughts, the opposite is true with Carson. It’s agony to not be able to know the best way to parent your own child. If only it was as simple as just loving him. We see the anguish and stress with his teachers as they struggle with how to educate him in a productive, consistent manner because of poor decisions he makes on a routine basis. They are positive people, and we are eternally grateful for them and blessed they are in our lives, but we feel their frustrations because we live it as well. We feel sorry for them, but we can’t feel sorry for ourselves.
What gets us through the daily challenges and seemingly constant distractions of raising a special needs child is to be spiritual and aware of God’s graces. We may not understand or always be pleased about the directions our lives are heading, but we have to understand there’s more at play in this world than just our simple wants and needs.
I truly believe everything happens for a reason through God’s will. There is no doubt in my mind that back in 2009 when Pam and I were starting the process of adopting a second child that God intervened and brought us Carson, just as he did with Beckett one year before. Carson’s birth mother was all set to place him with another family until one month before he was to be born the family backed out of the commitment.
We were not told why there was the about-face, but we surmise it had something to do with the birth mother’s raging drug problem and concerns over the baby’s health. We were blinded by our excitement and thought it was meant to be. I’m glad that was the case.
As I was walking out of Carson’s school this week after an emotional conversation with his teacher, I was able to find a little bit of peace by reminding myself to “give it to God.” When Pam and I were on this parenting journey and things were not going well with our dream of having a family, we adopted this approach. Somewhere on I-95 after a failed adoption, our helplessness resulted in us giving the process to God.
I keep reminding myself that’s what got us through many dark days and that’s what will power us on this journey. It’s a simple tactic but just what’s needed in complex and confusing times. We were chosen and blessed by God to raise him. He’s lucky. We’re lucky. That’s what we have to remember.
