The headline read, “Why it’s good to have a strong-willed child, and why you should let up on them.”
I admit a guilty pleasure of mine is reading parenting articles. I read a few of the self-help variety before becoming a father, but it was after Beckett, 7, was born when I started reading them routinely. When Carson, 6, was born, I became a bit obsessed with them. It was probably because I was overwhelmed at the changes that were taking place in my life. You never know how simple parenting one child is until you add another. Ever since there were two little ones in the household, a majority of my non-newspaper reading can be tracked to parenting articles. It’s cathartic for me.
These days I read just about any of these I can find. Most have to do with special needs kids due to Carson’s disabilities, but one of my favorite places for so-called general parenting discussions is the “On Parenting” section of The Washington Post. More often than not, the articles are interesting and applicable to my daily life.
This one about strong-willed kids caught my attention because we have two of them. I was interested to see what the reporter — a parent as well — had to say about strong-willed kids.
With our boys, there appears to be an ongoing competition as to who can take top billing as the child that drives his parents the craziest. I would say Beckett might be slightly ahead, but that’s only because he was born 18 months ahead of his little brother, who would easily take the top prize if we are only considering the last few years.
What I constantly struggle with on the parenting front is what to make a big deal about and what not to in many cases. In my life, my kids do multiple things every day that I find fault in. What bothers me might not cause the same consternation with Pam. The same goes the other way. What’s a big deal to me is not always huge to her and vice versa.
We agree on just about everything, but there are certain things that will set Pam off, such as shoes being left in the kitchen or book bags being dropped by the door. Meanwhile, I will walk over those same shoes in the kitchen and kick a toy in the living room to get to what I see that bothers me — the dirty plate that was put in the sink with food still on it by a certain child.
What we have learned is that with strong-willed kids the major battles must be selectively chosen because we could make beefs about everything. In this article, Lauren Knight, who has a parenting blog as well, addressed this.
“Of course we must insist for our children to obey us when their lives are in danger. They need to listen when we make them hold our hands in parking lots or crossing streets. They need to refrain from grabbing the sharp end of a knife or the hot burner on a stove. But for the little things, the everyday, non-life-threatening issues, we might let up a bit on them. Obedience as a result of trust, not of broken will, is of chief importance,” she wrote. “We want our children to listen to us because they trust that we have their best interest at heart, a trust that comes from discussion, connection, and empathy, not from blind obedience through fear of punishment. We want our children to grow into independent adults who can make important decisions for themselves. So for now, let the little things go. The hair may be unkempt, but the spirit is intact.”
On good days, I don’t think it’s a bad thing to have children who are headstrong, stubborn and spirited. I want my boys to be independent thinkers and defend their strong convictions, but when it constantly leads to disobedience and frustration I can’t let it go, even if it’s a small thing.
After all, I’m only willing to listen to so much of Beckett explaining why he was justified in side kicking his little brother into the wall because he touched his kindle a couple days prior. It usually involves him saying something like, “What if he picked up my kindle and threw it across the room? I was just trying to prevent that from happening. This way he just got a bruise and he now understands.”
While listening to the future attorney rant with his justification of his actions, Carson took the opportunity while I was distracted to rearrange the living room furniture. In less than a minute, he managed to tip over two chairs, using one of them to reach the flowers on the table. I got to him as he was lowering the vase to the floor. As I got closer, he dropped the vase, causing it to break. I think he did it on purpose.
At that point, I refused to let him do whatever further rearranging he had in mind for the room, leading to a meltdown and further bizarre antics. All the while the other child is complaining that I’m giving his little brother too much attention.
Lest not forget to mention it can be tremendously exhausting as well.