Adventures Of Fatherhood

Adventures Of Fatherhood

There are some things that come out of my mouth as well as my wife’s these days that I never could have imagined saying before we had kids.

It’s because the kids say and do the craziest things that merit some of the oddest responses that once articulated seem ridiculous while hilarious. Here’s a handful to illustrate the point:

“Keep your hands out of the toilet”

That’s something I never said before having children. There’s not much to elaborate on here and I’m going to leave it at the obvious, but my boys’ fascination with the toilet continues to amaze me.

 “Stop sitting on your brother’s face”
Pam said this one, which I overheard one day from another room.
Beckett gets too rough on occasion — usually at least once a day — with his little brother.

I am not proud of some of the brotherly abuse Carson has had to face in recent months, particularly as he’s gotten older and become much better on his feet and communicating in different ways.

It’s as if Beckett notices Carson is becoming a force to be reckoned with and I am not only referring to the little potbelly he has been sporting so proudly this summer. Ask Carson where his belly is, and no matter where he is he will lift his shirt, rub his robust belly and make a silly face that makes me wonder if he’s tickling himself.

Along with that goofy side is a tough demeanor that seems to be grooming a tremendous will. I like to think Beckett knows this, likes it and enjoys challenging him.

Sometimes, though, he goes too far and it aggravates his parents, eliciting some hilarious comments every now and again.


“Don’t do it, don’t do it … hey, hey, … buddy, buddy, think … don’t do it. Why did you do that?”

That’s how an exchange went that I had with Beckett on the beach the other day while jumping waves and playing in the sand.

At the time, he was standing over me with two big handfuls of sand. I was digging out sand crabs for him because like all kids he gets a kick out of the fact these creatures live “in the beach.”

All of a sudden he stopped participating in the digging process and was standing over me weighing whether to throw the sand.

As I warned to think better of it with the above gibberish, he eventually thought used his “noggin,” as he likes to call it, and dropped it, but I was prepared for the worst in that case.

“If it doesn’t smell good, don’t put it in your mouth”

That’s what I said to Carson, 2, the other day in the backyard when I saw him pick up dog excrement and motion to put it in his mouth. I don’t think he would have ever done it. Instead, he was just seeking a reaction and he got one.

I should have addressed it in a different way, touching on the topic of not picking up anything and everything in the yard rather than something that could cause problems in the future.

When it comes to vegetables and trying new food, I can see him reminding me of this advice, but it works in the current phase so it’s here to stay.

“I’m okay with him having a girlfriend.”

That’s what I said to Pam after Vacation Bible School one night after she reflected on Beckett’s fascination with a teenaged apple of his eye named Emily, who volunteered during the event.

I think she has a problem with her son having an interest in another lady. It does seem like an early crush, but it’s cool with me.

“Carson’s out”

Not really all that special, except for the fact Pam or I say this on nearly every car ride, referring to our youngest son’s narcoleptic tendencies on the road.

“The gigalator is closed for the night”

It’s a new daddy ride invented by Beckett that involves them on my back and a bunch of roughhousing, resulting in surefire back pain for me.

“Banging on the windows is for people who aren’t smart”

Comments regarding “smart” usually have an impact on Beckett, so that’s why it’s our so-called “go to” when it comes to trying to alter behavior.

This has been something he has been fond of doing because Carson often follows suit. Beckett likes to say they are using their imagination and playing music.

It’s a nice try.


“Kicking the dog is the same as kicking me”
I never thought I would have to say that to a kid of mine, but the old dog in the house, Fletch, doesn’t move for anyone any longer and it doesn’t matter where he is.

It’s to the point every now and again if he’s lying in front of a door I will go out another door to avoid having to make him move.

The kids don’t understand and Beckett finds it annoying at times when he can’t get into a bathroom or get him to move out of his way.

About The Author: Steven Green

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The writer has been with The Dispatch in various capacities since 1995, including serving as editor and publisher since 2004. His previous titles were managing editor, staff writer, sports editor, sales account manager and copy editor. Growing up in Salisbury before moving to Berlin, Green graduated from Worcester Preparatory School in 1993 and graduated from Loyola University Baltimore in 1997 with degrees in Communications (journalism concentration) and Political Science.