My Thoughts

When the old guy dies, he is going to be the most surprised guy on earth. Death is not on his agenda, it’s simply a fact of life he has no time for. The old guy has no patience with people who take time away from their precious life to plan (look forward to?) their deaths. Hours, days and weeks are wasted and thousands of dollars wasted drafting a complicated document called a will, picking out the right cemetery plot, changing the will whenever someone upsets you and deciding if you want to be burned and reduced to ash or have your body placed six feet under the ground. It’s these same people who turn the obituaries section in the paper first each week to see which friends died. It’s torture. Let’s face it, death sucks. Insider doesn’t know whether death is bad or not because he’s never talked to anyone who has done it. And it is not important whether he goes to heaven or hell if, in fact, your soul does go somewhere after your heart stops beating. Heaven would probably be nice but the old fool is sure he wouldn’t know anyone there. It would be a lonely place because most of his friends are in hell, at least by today’s Christian standards.

And there’s always reincarnation, which Insider likes to think happens. Some people have suggested the old guy be reincarnated as a daisy or a cow. Now isn’t that a bunch of crap? Death is nothing to fear, you simply go to sleep, and hell the old guy’s been doing that every night since he was born and again in mid-afternoon since he was smart enough to realize naps are lovely. If there is any sadness at all, it is experienced by the people who have yet to die. The deceased is the lucky one. He’s the only one in the funeral parlor who is not miserable and upset, and, incidentally, the only one there who knows what he is doing.

Nice person department: the friendly man at the Food Lion in Berlin the other day that gave Insider some coupons that saved him $3.50.

Jerk department: that guy who put his arm out the window and extended his middle finger at the old guy on Route 50 the other day. Worst part of all was there was a punk in the backseat that observed it all, leaving no doubt to Insider he would later be doing the same thing, according to the cycle of life.