Life is so different now than what it was 10 years ago for several reasons, the most obvious being my kids.
Pre-children, a Friday night was an opportunity to get together with friends at a local watering hole, travel to spend a weekend with friends elsewhere, going out for dinner or heading to the beach for a bonfire.
I found myself thinking about those days while driving Beckett, 8, to soccer practice (his third that week) last Friday evening. I was thinking about it again after I stepped on one of his teammates’ foot while playing in a scrimmage game with the kids. Agility I have learned is not a skillset of mine anymore.
Indeed, Friday night once met something altogether different than it does now. It still means the end of the work week and that’s always a good thing, but there’s no reveling involved.
There were times a decade ago when I would wake up not feeling 100 percent on a Saturday morning and head straight to the beach for the ocean’s healing powers. Last Saturday morning, I woke up hurting, but it was from running around with those kids for 90 minutes. Because of my parenting responsibilities and a morning soccer game, there was no ocean dip to cure what ailed me last Saturday morning. Instead, it was our freezing backyard pool and a hot shower that did the trick.
While it’s fun to look back on how much life has changed since having kids, and sometimes even long for the days when life was much simpler, I would have it no other way than it is now.
I tried something unusual this week to curb a recent behavior trend with Carson.
For some reason, there were a couple days this week in school when Carson, 6, made some poor choices in school. A year ago, these sorts of things would have been expected, but he has grown a lot over the last year and has overall had a solid year in kindergarten.
After Monday’s report of misbehavior and not listening, I told him at pickup no electronics that night. Since he loves playing his games, like most kids his age, I was hoping it would have an impact. At drop-off Tuesday, I reminded him of the consequences if there was another unfortunate report from his teachers.
At pick-up time Tuesday, it was the same sort of day with Carson making bad decisions. Therefore, while keeping with the no electronics promise, I told him on the way home I was really looking forward to taking him in the pool while Beckett and Pam were at karate. I wanted him to know for the first time he would get in the pool before his brother this season. Since we got a bad report, I couldn’t do that now. That really upset him. I had gotten the response I wanted.
With special needs kids, approaches to discipline and consequences are altogether different than with so-called “normal” children. The same parenting tactics don’t work and creativity is needed we have found.
With that in mind, after his constant pleas and what I thought was a window to teach him something, I changed my mind. I did what you are not supposed to do as a parent. I waffled. I gave in.
I told him I would take him in the pool but it would require a big boy promise that tomorrow would be a better day. I was going to trust him that he would keep his promise and not make poor choices the next day as he had the prior two days.
I immediately started regretting this decision once I got in the pool because it was freezing. Carson didn’t mind it and was doing his hilarious whale imitation in no time.
When I informed Pam about what I did, she reminded me how that conflicts with everything parents are supposed to do. Be clear in explaining the consequence if misbehavior is not curbed and then follow through with what was said if the same unacceptable behavior persists. She was right, of course, but what was done was done. She also reminded me that perhaps it was my desire to go swimming that led to this reversal of course. She may have been right a little on that front.
Nonetheless, I liked the concept of showing the kid I’m willing to trust him and give him a little rope. He seemed to like it as well. I was hopeful this new approach might be successful, but I have learned tempering expectations when it comes to my kids is usually the best approach.
When I walked into school that morning, I reminded him of our deal. He then signed swimming and shook my hand, letting me know he remembered the deal we had made the night before. He had better have because I had already reminded him half of a dozen times that morning.
I felt sweet vindication later that day when we got a good report from school and that he was back to acting like a respectful student.
That was a winning moment. I embraced this little victory while knocking on whatever wood I could find.