My Thoughts

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The old guy is still in love with his new flat-screen TV his best friend bought him for Christmas. The other night he cranked it up (hit the on button) and inside of one hour he ran up a bill of over $75,000 on planned purchases the advertisers told him he needed. It all has something to do with love, being loved, neighbor envy, endless sex, contentment and a good night’s sleep. None of these would come to the old guy if he didn’t buy them first thing in the morning, the commercials said. He made a list of “must buys” and it follows: a new Chevrolet mini-van with two televisions, swiveling chairs, a table and six stereo speakers in the car seats; a case of Viagra, two Ford pickups, a new kitchen faucet, Total cereal, switch telephone service, buy Amoco gas (girls love that), buy and brush his teeth with Monostat, dye his hair and wear pantihose, switch credit card, eat lots of Wendy’s hamburgers, use a roll or two of aluminum foil, eat Krispy Kreme donuts for good health, be careful of genital herpes and use lots and lots of Preparation H.

From the ridiculous to the sublime: All Insider wants to know is why. We no longer tape anything, now we download. Why? The operating room at the hospitals have been changed to Surgical Suite. Why? The Collector of Internal Revenue is now the Director of Internal Revenue. Why? The Secretary of War has for some time been referred to as the Secretary of Defense. Why? Do we really need defending in Bosnia? Used cars are now previously owned cars. Why?

And the ultimate in this word crap-game hit the old guy last week when he went to look at used computers. He didn’t want to buy one, he just wanted to look at one. To Insider, technology reached its peak with the introduction of the Underwood Golden Touch typewriter. Anyway, he entered the store, they are called technology centers today, and a skinny guy with a piece of fur under his nose floated up to him. Insider told the guy, they’re called wimps today, what he wanted to look at and was told the center has several “gently experienced” computers available. Confused, Insider repeated that he wanted to look at Used computers and was told they were unfamiliar with that brand and in fact never hears of a computer called Used.

At the next technology center, this one called a Word Processing Center, Insider was greeted by his favorite kind of person, a woman in pants with a tie and short haircut. Here, too, he was informed that there was no such thing as a Used computer but that they did have three “previously enjoyed” computers on the floor (she called stage). Now “previously enjoyed” is what a guy calls his ex-wife, not a Used computer.

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