It comes as a shock to Insider when he hears people talk about not being able to wear certain clothes because they gained weight or lost weight. They seem to gather and shed pounds every week. Insider is just the opposite. He generally stays the same weight year in and year out. He’s wearing suits and shirts that he bought 20 years ago and they still fit him like they did back in 1980. His problem is the damn kids who are constantly pointing out how his clothing is not with it. He always looks spiffy whenever he goes out, but it’s 1980s spiffy. The weight thing started when he was 16 years old, six foot tall and 145 pounds. If you can picture it. Then one year he hit 160 pounds and stayed there forever. Many, many years later he graduated to 185 pounds which is about where he is today. Because of those late teen, lean years, the old guy still feels complimented whenever anyone calls him fat.
Every morning Insider starts his day with a giant slug of orange juice and that’s squeezed Florida orange juice, not Florida squeezed orange juice. Then there’s the four cups of freshly ground Columbian coffee, two pieces of real toast, one red pill, one white pill, one orange pill, one burgundy pill, one tiny green pill and one red and white pill. Hey he’s old! The highlight of every morning is the toast. It’s real toast, bread that was carefully selected at the market for its toasting qualities. Right now Insider’s toast of choice is Arnold Country White Buttermilk bread. Even if you overtoast it, it still remains tender and flexible. The best toasting bread ever was Pepperidge Farms Country Toasting White. It was made especially for toasting and it succeeded. It was a little thicker than most bread slices and had an English Muffin consistency. It also made memorable grilled cheese sandwiches. As you would expect, the Pepperidge people started messing around with it, causing the old guy to discover the Arnold already mentioned above. Occasionally Insider will highlight his morning with a Thomas corn muffin before his second slice of Arnold. The only bread that could draw Insider away from his Arnold toast is Cracker Barrel’s sourdough bread and he’s counting the days till he gets more of that. This is real bread. Anyone who starts their day with a flimsy piece of Sunbeam or Wonder deserve what they get, plus a big glass of that Tang or Orange Delight crap.