“Your Weekly W.T.F.”

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Sometimes you just have to laugh and shake your head.

There are moments when those two actions seem like the only logical explanation for what you have just seen or heard. To illustrate this point, try taking a leisurely stroll on the Boardwalk when the sun goes down, and try to count how many times that you do both of those things.

You will laugh and shake your head. It’s impossible not to do it.

It’s not in an, “I-am-superior-to-your-barbed-wire-tattoo-and-your-ripped-jorts” kind of way, but rather in a “pure-unabashed-definition-of-amusement” kind of way.

There is more amusement to find in the circus that is Ocean City than by merely riding the Zipper.

Don’t sell yourself short, Ocean City is the human condition on red bull and vodka. It’s like a “fountain of youth” and an “escape to Oz” all in one. It’s like watching a people try to cram a week’s worth of good times into a proverbial rucksack that is already overflowing with a year’s worth of hard work and stress.

And they wonder why they are sore when they leave.

Picture this: You are walking down the street and approaching you is two people having what seems like a happy little conversation. You inch over to the farthest edge of your sidewalk lane so as not to run into the person coming the other way, while simultaneously giving a friendly smile or upwards head nod of “howyadoin” salutation. As they pass however, you hear a snippet of the conversation and it makes you spin your head around in disbelief of what you have heard.

This is your daily “W.T.F.” It is an acronym for what you ask yourself either before or after you shake your head and laugh.

Recent ones for me recently were hearing someone order a “virgin screwdriver” and someone asking a lifeguard at what time the dolphin show would begin.

Leave it to the Catholic church however, to give me my most recent “WTF.”

Critics of Catholicism are not so few, and not so new, so I’m sure I’m not the only one that feels like the release of a new set of Commandments by the Vatican this past week is utterly daft.

What makes me laugh the hardest is that Catholicism, which has been preaching ancient dogmatic law for so long, has finally decided to get modernized with a few of its teachings and catch up with the times.

So, in an effort to defeat one of the biggest troubles facing our world (which apparently is road rage and not terrorism or genocide), the Vatican’s Office of Migrants and Itinerant People wrote a 10 commandments for drivers.

(You are now shaking your head and laughing, aren’t you?)

Road Rage is a serious matter, but for the Catholic church to issue a list of Commandments so that people will be more courteous to each other on Lord’s Interstates and Super Highways is just plain ridiculous.

They couldn’t even come up with 10 new commandments, as they stole commandment six (Thou Shalt Not Kill for the heathens) and made it the first commandment for the driver’s 10 commandments.

The Vatican’s head Cardinale for that office, Renato Martino claims that road rage brings out “primitive” behaviors in people such as (get this) “impoliteness, rude gestures, and blasphemy.” He went on to say that vehicles are often times a venue for infidelity, prostitution and other immoral acts. He then commented on people that “drive their cars to show off, endanger people by speeding, not giving their cars regular tune-ups, and drinking or using drugs behind the wheel.”

Martino went on to say that people should pray behind the wheel, (which may be hard to do while you are talking on your cell phone), and they encourage people to make the sign of the cross and hang the rosary beads from your rearview mirror (which means you must take the Mardi Gras beads off).

“God stops”, or a “periodic of liturgies” are being proposed to be set up on major arteries of highway so that when drivers feel road rage, they can pull off and feed their spiritual self rather than merely ordering Starbucks and Sbarro.

I’ve heard some things that make me laugh and shake my head, but that could be the best ever. Yet in order to not be struck down or lynched by the Catholics of Ocean City, I’m going to try and be helpful to help get this thing off the ground.

So, in the strain of “More Fun Here” we create a witty slogan for the Catholics’ road rage campaign, (I’m thinking something along the lines of “Jesus Take the Wheel.”)

Then we make Carrie Underwood the celebrity face of the campaign and we get her to do a concert where she plays that song and promotes safe driving practices throughout the country. Perhaps we could get Kelly Clarkson to promote it in NASCAR world by eliminating “Rubbing”, even though NASCAR fans know that “rubbin’s racing.”

Hey if this takes off, I’m going to go into other ventures of promotion.

I have this dream of one day helping one of the DJ’s in town write a book about all the insane things that people will do (and have done) to get a free T-shirt. (Are you reading this, Batman? Have your people call my people.)

Think about how many times you would laugh and shake your head while reading that.

Email me at domspino@yahoo.com 

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