Insider was looking through this paper the other day and came across a lot of stuff he had questions about, including something he had never seen before – a Dean’s List for a college somewhere not around here featuring a student who was from here at some point. Who is this Dean guy and why is his list any more important the one the old guy makes every now and again? Is it something like a Honey Do List? By the looks of it, it seems this Dean’s List thing is something worthy of news coverage and something to be congratulated about. Insider was later told it was for the smart kids and overachievers. The old guy thinks that’s nice.
Insider keeps something he calls Insider’s List, but it’s not one someone wants to be on. It can be found under some rocks in Berlin and includes the names of those folks he has outlived. It’s updated and grows each Friday after he reads the Obituary section of this paper. The only problem is there are a number of lists around town because he can never remember which rock it’s under. If you come across a list of names with check marks under a rock in the yard, do the old guy a favor and give him a call.
The old guy has always had a dog. There’s been Julie, Lucki, Fluffy, Muffin, Crackle and others. The common denominator is they have all been females. Insider likes female dogs. They are feminine but are so in a way that proclaims stay out of my way or you will be sorry. It’s been Insider’s experience that male dogs will do whatever it takes to keep their owners happy. If his owners want him to play dead, old Ruff does it. If the boss wants him to chase a ball, he does it. It’s all about satisfying the all-mighty owner for the guy dogs. It’s so bad it’s almost pathetic to the old guy. It’s a different story for the lady dogs altogether.
Once the old guy crossed his furry little friend. It only happened once because like most women Fluffy was not to be wronged because the treatment Insider got for the coming weeks would break any heart. There was no licking, no rubbing against, no begging and no loving. No nothing. After nights of trying to figure out what was wrong with his former best friend, Insider finally figured it out. It seems the old guy forgot to give Fluffy her nightly lick of the Breyer’s ice cream bowl one night. Too much ice cream for the old guy is like too much alcohol for the heavy drinker. It makes him forgetful. Fluffy eventually came around after the old guy let her have his entire heap of ice cream one night. Fair is fair, and the old guy never intends to wrong a woman, especially the wrong woman.