The Insider

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Today you can cross the Atlantic Ocean in a couple of hours and it means nothing. Does anyone really have to get across the ocean in a couple of hours? What could possibly be that important? Crossing the big pond was a lot more fun when it took several days aboard one of the major luxury lines. That was, and is, the only way to get to the other side. First class all the way and days of leisure to enjoy the adventure. The work got done, the duties were performed and the pace was easy. The same is true in America. We must cross the country in a matter of hours. Why? Nobody knows. Nothing is really that important. What this country needs today is first-class overnight rail service from coast to coast. Think of it, your own private stateroom, a club car, a first-class restaurant in the dining car, and room and space to move around all day, or just a day of relaxing, reading and sleeping. Now that’s the only way to travel. They have a name for coast to coast air service, The Red Eye Special. And air service is what people are forced to take. That’s called progress.

The calendar says Wednesday was the Vernal Equinox. Did anyone care?

Why is it in the movies the bad guys are always spraying the room with a continuous barrage of bullets from a 100-round machine gun, but they never hit anybody. Meanwhile the good guy is in a corner with his automatic hand gun and knocks the bad guy off with two or three well-placed shots?

Insider likes English muffins. He always has, but it is almost impossible to butter the damn things. Hit a freshly toasted muffin with a knife full of butter and the spread immediately digs in, refusing to budge. No one has ever succeeded in buttering a hot muffin. Don’t get the old guy started about peanut butter and jelly.

So not too many years ago eye doctors found that the sun was the major cause of cataracts. Protect our eyes from the sun and our changes of cataracts were greatly reduced. Immediately every kid in the country reversed their headgear, wearing the sun visor at the back of their head. Hey, it was cool, dude! At least no can refer to the reverse heads as red necks.

What this country needs is more endangered species. But we ought to be able to pick and encourage the species we want to be endangered. Like flies, for instance, and mosquitoes and bees. The old guy has got to go to heaven when he dies just so he can ask God why he invented flies. He knows God will only tell him to go to hell, but what the hell. 

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